When your toddler refuses to feed himself it can feel so frustrating. In desperation, mealtimes can turn into battlegrounds, trying to get them to eat and develop their independence. In the early days, I have been there and know how challenging it can be.

Fortunately, my help is at hand, In this blog you will discover the three stages of feeding, why your toddler does not want to feed themselves and my 7 expert strategies to encourage your toddler to feed themselves with confidence and ease. 

What is self feeding?

Self feeding is exactly as it says, feeding independently by oneself. Babies will gradually move from feeding with their whole hand to fingers, pincer grip and then utensils (spoons and forks). Self feeding is such an important milestone and why it is important is discussed further on. 

When should babies/toddlers be able to self feed?

Toddlers will learn to self feed at varying times, some are quicker to learn than others. I have given a guide below so you can see what is typical. There are also three stages to self feeding which you can learn more about here. 

Three stages of feeding

1. Eating with fingers

As a guide this normally starts around 8 months (stage 2 – 3 of weaning) but some babies can be a bit earlier or later. They will start with using their whole hand first grabbing a piece and shovelling iit into their mouths. 

Then after a number of weeks they will start to use multiple fingers until they start to develop the pincer grip. This is using their thumb and index finger to pick up a small piece of food. Typically this can range from anywhere between 7 – 11 months old.

2. Using a spoon

Toddlers typically learn to use a spoon without any help from 2 years of age. Many will learn by 18 months. 

3. Self-feeding with a fork

Introduce a fork after they have learnt the pincer grasp and using a spoon. Learning to use a fork without any assistance occurs about 2 years of age but many will master it by 18 months. 

Why is self feeding important?

There are three reasons why self feeding is so important. It obviously develops your child’s fine motor skills. It builds their confidence and independence. But it also develops a healthy relationship with food through exploring food. 

1. Fine motor skills

Babies learn fine motor skills such as hand eye coordination, become skilled at using their fingers, hands and arms to put all the processes of self feeding into place. They also develop their chewing skills.

2. Confidence and independence

Self feeding brings confidence and some independence in being able to do it themselves. This also gives them autonomy, choosing what they want to eat and learning how much they can manage to eat.

3. Food exploration

One area that is perhaps less popular with parents is food exploration and the chance for little ones to get messy. Babies and toddlers need to have the opportunities to get messy with food and explore it with all senses including the look, smell, touch, taste of food. They also get to explore different textures and temperatures. 

4. Appetite control

Some research would suggest that babies and toddlers that self feed are more likely to have better control of their appetite. 

Why does my toddler refuse to feed himself?

There are many possible reasons but here are some of the most common ones:

• Lack of skill to self feed

If they haven’t mastered the stages of self feeding from feeding with their fingers (using the pincer grip) and using utensils then it would be hard to manage it on their own. 

• Needing some attention – not liking eating alone

Social interaction is an important part of mealtimes and if they are on their own to eat they may not want to sit at the table for long, hence your toddler refuses to feed himself.

• Dislikes mess

Most babies and toddlers are happy to get messy, in fact thrive on it, but for some they may not enjoy it so much and this puts them off self feeding in the early days when it can end up everywhere. 

• Tired and irritable

They may be refusing to feed themselves if they are tired. After all it requires more effort to feed themselves and it may be easier for mum to do it!

• Fussy eater or problem feeder 

If they dislike what is in front of them or fussy for other reasons, they are not going to want to feed themselves or eat at all for that matter. Here are some more reasons why your toddler refuses to eat and how to master better eating. 

• Not hungry enough

Think about when they last ate and if they are hungry enough for their meal. Typically about 2 hours between meals and snacks is about right to build an appetite. 

• Wants to do other things

Toddlers are busy little people and are generally quite active. If they are toddlers that are not so interested in food it will be harder to get them to the table and self feed. 

My 2 year old won’t eat unless I feed him – what can I do?

This is common for toddlers because often it is easier for someone else to feed them. Especially if they are tired and not particularly in the mood for eating. As we want them to eat, it can be easier to get on with it and start loading their spoon up and feeding them. 

If they are not showing interest in using cutlery then let them carry on with using their fingers. Provide a spoon and fork and keep role modelling. You can even pre-load the utensils to encourage them along. 

How to get your baby/toddler feeding themselves: when lacking skills

If your baby or toddler needs more practice and time to develop their feeding skills then here are some ways to help them. 

Using their fingers

If your baby won’t feed himself finger foods it may be because he is struggling getting to grips with holding foods and developing the pincer grip/grasp. 

For larger finger foods, or strips try coating them in something rough and dry like some crushed breadcrumbs or crushed cereal so that they are not so slippery to hold. e.g avocado coated in a little dry cereal.

For developing the pincer grip – If they are around 1 year and still not getting to grips with the pincer grip then giving them more time and opportunities to learn should really help. Good foods to practice with include small pieces of dry cereals and puffs like cheerios or small pieces of soft vegetables. 

Try just giving one piece on the tray at a time, it may be easier for them to do it this way. If they are struggling to pick it up, hold it up in front of them so that they can pinch it with their thumb and index finger this way. 

Using a spoon and fork

Start off practising with a spoon before introducing a fork. If your baby refuses to feed himself with a spoon then try having two spoons. One for you to feed them with and another for them to practice with. This also helps to speed things up a bit and them being less frustrated with not getting food down them. 

Use the hand over hand method. This is simply loading the spoon up together and guiding the spoon or fork with your hand over theirs to their mouth. They will soon get the idea after more and more practice. Learn more about responsive spoon feeding here.

Other ways to encourage self feeding in toddlers

1. Practice skills – as talked about above. 

Spend some time and be patient. It can take a bit longer for some babies to learn. If you are worried about their progress then seek advice from a health professional. 

2. Eat together

Eating together forms a connection with your toddler. It is also the perfect time for them to learn from you and see you eat. Babies and toddlers learn from role modelling so get their attention and demonstrate how you eat. 

3. Embrace the mess 

Try to embrace the mess and not let it bother you too much. If it is a real sticking point, then invest in good coverall bibs and some washable floor mats.

If your toddler refuses to feed himself often, try lots of messy food play outside of mealtimes. This can help make foods more familiar and easier to accept.

4. Make food and mealtimes fun

Take the focus off the feeding aspect and enjoy spending time together. Food can be made more fun for toddlers by cutting into different shapes, making it colourful and attractive for them to pick up and eat.

5. Get them self serving

Let them be involved in the kitchen or doing a little preparation like mixing. If they are able, help them serve themselves food onto their plates. They will select what they can manage and may seem less overwhelming to eat.  

6. Allow enough time between meals and snacks 

Typically about 2 hours between meals and snacks is about right to build an appetite. 

7. Build a mealtime routine 

Including a pre-mealtime activity to ensure they have burned off some energy and are ready for the mealtime. Find out here how to build a mealtime routine.

If your toddler refuses to feed himself often after trying all the expert strategies, then consider a free discovery call to see how I can help.